Afterpage

The Courage to Be Disliked

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

For people who worry too much about what others think, or feel held back by their past. It's written as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, which some find gripping and others find slow.

A week with this book

A short summary today, then one small action a day for six days. Free for your first book.

The Courage to Be Disliked Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Free for your first book. No card. One click to stop.

Day 1

The ideas the week uses

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga explain the ideas of psychologist Alfred Adler through a conversation between a philosopher and a skeptical youth. The central claim is that you're free to change now, and that freedom means accepting that some people will dislike you.

  1. Your past doesn't decide you. Adler rejected the idea that past trauma determines how we live. In this view, we use past experiences for present goals, so we can choose different goals.
  2. All problems are relationship problems. The book argues that nearly all our worries involve other people: comparison, approval, conflict. Seeing this makes the problems easier to name.
  3. Separate tasks. Ask whose task this is: who ultimately bears the result? Your task is what you do; how others react is their task. Don't take on theirs, and don't let them take on yours.
  4. Stop seeking recognition. Living to be praised means living by other people's expectations. Freedom comes from not needing approval, which means being willing to be disliked.
  5. Live in the here and now. Life is a series of moments, not a line toward a distant goal. Contributing to others now, and feeling useful, is what gives a sense of worth.

Where it overreachesThe dialogue states Adler's ideas strongly and the philosopher always wins. Dismissing trauma as a cause can feel too simple for people with serious past harm, and isn't a substitute for professional help.

Days 2 to 7

How to apply The Courage to Be Disliked

10 to 20 minutes each, with a two-minute version for a bad day.

Printable week card (one page)

  1. 2Rewrite one old storyWrite down one thing you believe your past stops you from doing, then write what goal that belief might be serving now.
  2. 3Ask whose task it isList three things you're worried about involving other people, and for each, write whose task it really is.
  3. 4Do one thing without approvalDo one thing today that you've been holding back because someone might not like it.
  4. 5Encourage, don't praiseReplace praise with thanks or encouragement in three conversations today.
  5. 6Contribute without being askedDo one helpful thing for a group you belong to, at work, home, or in your community, without expecting recognition.
  6. 7Spend one hour here and nowChoose one ordinary activity today and do it fully, as if it were the whole point, not a step toward something else.

Sample

Day 3, in full

This is what lands in your inbox that morning.

AfterpageDay 3 of 7 · Action

Ask whose task it is

Today’s action · 10 to 20 minutes

List three things you're worried about involving other people, and for each, write whose task it really is.

How

Ask who ultimately bears the result. Your colleague's mood about your decision is their task; making a good decision is yours. Cross out what isn't yours and write one action for what is.

Why this one

Separation of tasks is one of the book's main tools. It frees you from trying to control what others think or feel.

If today is a bad day

Pick one worry and write “this is my task” or “this is their task” next to it.

In short

Questions about this book

Who is The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga for?

For people who worry too much about what others think, or feel held back by their past. It's written as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, which some find gripping and others find slow.

What are the main ideas in The Courage to Be Disliked?

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga explain the ideas of psychologist Alfred Adler through a conversation between a philosopher and a skeptical youth. The central claim is that you're free to change now, and that freedom means accepting that some people will dislike you. Your past doesn't decide you; All problems are relationship problems; Separate tasks; Stop seeking recognition; Live in the here and now.

What do you do in the Afterpage week for The Courage to Be Disliked?

Day 1 is a short summary. Then one action a day, each 10 to 20 minutes: Rewrite one old story; Ask whose task it is; Do one thing without approval; Encourage, don't praise; Contribute without being asked; Spend one hour here and now. Day 7 also has a recap.

Where does The Courage to Be Disliked overreach?

The dialogue states Adler's ideas strongly and the philosopher always wins. Dismissing trauma as a cause can feel too simple for people with serious past harm, and isn't a substitute for professional help.

What is the first action in the The Courage to Be Disliked week?

Rewrite one old story. Write down one thing you believe your past stops you from doing, then write what goal that belief might be serving now. If you only have two minutes: Write one sentence starting “I can't... because of my past” and one starting “What it protects me from is...”

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